Berita Minggu

Today the headline in Berita Minggu is:

Ramai Suami Punca Masalah Sosial Keluarga Melayu/Islam

Truly, the topic itself is going to be a debate among husband and wife today.

First and foremost, I am not in a position to question the institution of marriage for I am still single. However it seems right that I do come to the rescue of the men in the family too.

The person who brought up this issue is naturally a women. A women who happen to counsel other women.

Women of the 21st century is naturally more spirited compared to our grandparents days. They are more educated given all sorts of rights that they have nowadays.

Even forced sex in a marriage is considered a rape.

However, let us examine the question as to why men are the causes of this issue.

Women believe that the men are:

1. not earning enough to support a family.

2. fooling around with other women

3. malay men are drug addicts.

These are the main issues that was raised.

However, this is what I am going to say to their issues:

1. Not earning enough to support a family

By nature, men are supposed to work and women cares for the household. This is the way it is and this was supposed to be.

However in the current 21st Century, both men and women work. Even our government encourage our women to work.

Let us now examine the reasons why women now goes to work:

1. Supplement family income

2. Financially Independent

3. Used to work even before marriage

4. Career minded

As our women are more educated nowadays compared to the men, they have been given the knowledge to choose what they want to do with their life. 

Men knows that this can be a problem but decides to make an issue out of it.

However men do shirk their responsibility too. Women on the other hand is too forgiving at times.

Before marriage, the men usually pays for all those dating lunches/dinners etc. Some even go for dutch BUT most of the time the men pays because if the women pays, i am sure the women will decide to call off the relationship after she pays for the 3rd time (some even after the 1st time !)

However, while proposing for marriage, the women may demand for a high dowry (hantaran). Not ALL men can afford a high dowry.

Now, let me bring you to an example. Ali earns $2K a month. After deducting CPF, he gets $1.6K a month. Ali has parents to care for and a wife to be.

His household expenses for his parents is about $700.00 and Ali is left with $900.00.

Ali saves $450.00 a month for his wife to be dowry which is $7000.00!

Dear readers, take $7000.00 divide by $450.00 = 16 months to save!

This is not inclusive of the wedding banquet and other expenses. Assuming that Ali invites about 500 guest and each guest is charged at $10.00 per guest, it is $5000.00.

Before marriage Ali is already burden with $12000.00 or more to prepare for a wedding. Astaghfirullah!

The women is not spared. Wanting to look her best, she engage the best mak andam available price can range from $3K to $10K even.

Not forgetting the banquet at the women's side as well. This will bring a total of about $20K on average for the very basic.

Secondly, take a look at the requirements on applying a flat. Regardless of the requirement, the most important thing that one must have is the CASH. Without it, nothing can get done.

With our dear Ali earning $2K and splurging on a wedding plus a flat to book, how can he saved enough for it?

Naturally a bank loan is the answer - (oh i miss out on the honeymoon)

Even before marriage, he might already be in debt.

Once married, he has to give nafkah to his wife. even if she is working, HE have to give her the nafkah - this is the right for ALL muslim women stated clearly.

So now imagine Ali $2K salary is divide among

1. His family

2. His wife

3. His housing loan (if any)

4. His household expenses

This is the worst possible scenario than I am giving. There are better scenarios too.

Readers, tell me, is the dowry an aspect of Islam? I remembered that only the Mas Kahwin is important not the wang hantaran.

And also why burden your future son-in-law for dowries? Are you selling your daughters or giving your daughters away?

However, assuming that Ali has the financial means to have a great wedding, he has no debts for housing loan.

He earns the same and gives his wife maybe about $200.00 in nafkah and additional $800.00 in household expenses - tell me for a family of four, is $800.00 enough?

Whether enough or not, we have to live within our means. The men has tried his best and there are ways for the women to help out. As long as all are for the mutual benefit of the family, women should be accepting of what the men goes through.

However, this situation may arises if the men takes advantage of it. If the women earns more than her share, the men may not give her any nafkah at all. Citing reasons that the women earns more than him, therefore do not need his nafkah is WRONG. Does this mean, if the women earns more than him, that SHE has now to give him nafkah?

Another scenario would be She works and He stays home to look after the household and manage the children. Is this right in the first place? Only God Knows.

2. Men Fooling Around

By nature itself, men has their needs. However, my query would be, is the women equally to be blamed?

I do have friends who are married that complaint to me that their wives refused to be intimate with them. The reasons usually - tired.

True, everyone is tired after a hard day at work but we must learn to relax.

With the exception of the menstrual days that a women have to go through, they are obliged to

meet the needs of the men as much as the men are obliged to stay PUT to one woman only and not to throw his seeds all over the place.

Islam allows a man is to marry up to 4 BUT if he can be fair to all of them; but if he can't stay put to 1. Fair in this aspect - financially, sexually, in time etc.

Intimacy must be renewed so that one feels loved and always be loved. This i understand very much is part of the human emotions.

Fooling around usually occurs when:

1. One do not have faith in one's partner 

2. No Renewed Intimacy

3. When the wife is too preoccupied with work, kids, family etc.

However for the men, they seldom burden themselves with the upbringing of the children or the household chores. 

My suggestion: Start doing them and learn to get closer to your children. It helps to keep you out of mischief. 

By the way, household chores don't make you less of a man. Instead, it will set the standards to your children; that they have to help out at home too.

3. Malay Men are Drug Addicts

This is a very expensive hobby. Women whose boyfriends belong to this category, should NOT marry him in the first place no matter how much he begged you no to leave him.

I used the same reasoning to my family members. He will crawl back to that habit the moment the leash is let loose.

It is definitely true for this. I have yet to meet a chinese addict. I am sure there is but unfortunately I have not personally met one yet.

In summary, I believe that in Islam there are many solutions to a problem. One should be wise in managing them.

In truth is, our men are capable of managing the wives. They goes astray when something happens in the household. 

As wives, they should examine their bad habits too. Some men don't really like to point out but prefer to keep quiet about it fearing a back lash or cold treatment from the wives but reality is - no one is perfect.

As husbands, be prepared to shed some ego a bit. Sometimes, it works wonders.

As how a colleague of mine put it - When my wife starts nagging, i will just agree with whatever she says; i can get back at her later.. 

I believe not everyone will agree with me. But what I have said and shared is what I have heard and knew of. However i truly believe not everyone has the same scenario. 

I hope couples are able to make a lot of give and take situation in marriages. It is not easy because it is a journey of a life time.